The Sober Grit

Standing outside with my guard down and I see you. I see that bright light that says “open” and that walkway ending right to you. 

It is inviting. It is familiar. I can smell you. I can taste you. I haven’t been around you for a while and I can tell that you miss me. 

I know I have a spot waiting for me. A spot with a napkin thrown down just waiting to have condensation from the cold drink sticking to it with every curl of the glass. 

The same songs play. The same conversations had. The same faces, new and old. You haven’t changed much. Still there just waiting. 

But now what? Now you are in me. Rushing through my body taking away all of that pain and allowing just a moment of numbing. These feelings hurt and I don’t want to feel them anymore. 

Make them stop. Pour me another one, I can still feel them. They hurt too bad. Not even you can numb them. 

You try but it always hurts more when you are gone. Leaving me until I come back to you. Always ready for me, but never a good friend to me. 

You let me lose control of myself. You let me lie to myself. You are not the friend that I thought you were. You are so very selfish, but I love you. 

The truth is, I love you so much I HATE YOU! I hate that I still want to taste you, to feel you, to be with you.

The scars that I hold from you are deep. Deeper than you can ever imagine. But I still think of you. I still fantasize about you. But I HATE YOU!

I should have known you will never change. But I thought this time it would be different. I thought you missed me and knew how much I needed you. You let me down again. 

Now I am here with all of the scars from you, and the new wounds bleeding through the tourniquet. No bandage is big enough for the pain you cause. And you don’t care. 

There you are again. No matter where I go you are there. In my face or in the distance. Waiting for me to call you again…..why won’t you just let me go?